BOXED!!!

Are the odds stacked against me???

Just as I said nearly a month ago (when I last posted); WOW, it’s been a while!

Honestly, life has been complicated as of late…AND that’s definitely been evident in the gym.

A few of you who know me well know I’ve battled anxiety and depression my whole life. These issues have often been accompanied by a lack of self confidence.

Early on, this lack of belief in myself led me to sit out EVERY field day in grade school. I refused to take on any challenge outside my comfort zone. No sports. No music. No…nothing (with the exception of anything bookish…gotta’ love an area where I excel and get to look smart in the process).

I’ve had A LOT of  jobs; about 7 of which I quit after being hired but before my first day of work (yes, I am unfortunately serious about that). With the exception of my first job at Taco Bell (where I was f-i-r-e-d after two months), I quit every one of these jobs because I believed I couldn’t do them well. Each of the jobs I quit before my first day of work…I quit because I felt I would let someone down. I have very high standards; standards that I’ve almost always felt I could not meet.

My husband and I will celebrate our 1-year CrossFit anniversary a week from today. Though we’ve both accomplished a great deal…though I can now do things that I could have never imagined doing a year ago, I still feel I haven’t done enough.

I still compare myself to others…A LOT! With the competition element of CF, it’s hard not to do so. I am not naive enough to compare myself to the elite athletes in the gym. I do, however, compare myself to newcomers. I watch others come in, slow and awkward, panting and fearing impending death after their first WODs. I typically soon watch them kick my behind in MetCons. I’m happy for each and every one of them. However, as the months have passed, I have become increasingly unsure of myself. I sometimes wonder if I am hopelessly out of my element.

The last couple of months, I’ve struggled more than usual with my depression. Inside and outside of the gym, I’ve felt depression tugging at my feet, attempting to drag me down. I question my abilities in every area of my life. I no longer give my self the “noobie” benefit of the doubt in the gym. Slow, sloppy MetCons bring tears to my eyes…and, frankly, they PISS ME OFF!

Self pity (which is an attribute I loathe in myself and others) engulfs me! I downplay my strengths and exaggerate my weaknesses. I become angry at the body the Good Lord gave me. I find it to be too big, too slow, too unbalanced, too weak, and too uncoordinated. I determine my progress to be far too slow. I find it difficult to celebrate the successes of others (which I SO want to do) due to the fact that, when others succeed, I am typically in the midst of berating myself for what I deem to be personal failures.

With all that said, I am STILL doing what I’ve been doing all these months. I am still doing something that, until starting CF, I’d never done before. I am STICKING WITH SOMETHING. I am consistent with my attendance at the gym. No matter how I feel about my daily performance, I must remind myself of this HUGE obstacle I’ve overcome.

Honestly, I AM growing tired of being an underdog. I don’t embrace physical adversity as well as I did a few months ago.

But….Darn it! It’s time for a change. It’s time to escape this BOX I’ve built around myself!

I have not discovered the self pity/lack of confidence cut-off-switch. I have another HUGE task ahead of me. I’ve overcome a lifelong of what you might call “quitt-ery.” NOW, it’s time to tackle my lack of self confidence.

It’s time to allow myself to do my best and to be happy with my best.

Finally, I have a strong feeling that if I can learn to accept myself and my performance that my performance will rapidly improve. I mean, without that little voice telling me, “you suck” or “you’re about to fail again” echoing in my brain during every workout, I have every opportunity to become better.

It’s a process that must happen! Let it commence!

***There WILL be a post next week that will chronicle our CF anniversary! We will even discuss the ever elusive Derek…